InsaneJournal

There was a time when love was blind Melinda May was warm, often finding trouble around every corner. She felt that rules were to be broken. That was a Melinda that enjoyed the friendships that SHIELD had given to her. A Melinda that enjoyed pranking her friends and colleagues. A Melinda that saw fighting four guys at once as "fun." She was a Melinda that went through men like paper towels. She was a Melinda that became a loving wife. A Melinda that wanted nothing more than to start a family with her husband and continue working in the field.

All it took was one mission to tear that Melinda apart. To destroy the Melinda that everyone knew. Bahrain gave birth to a new Melinda May. One who now recoiled from physical contact; especially contact that involved one's hands. A Melinda who now distanced herself from everyone; including her loved ones. A Melinda who became quieter than the Melinda of old. This new Melinda felt undeserving of any form of love. And she certainly couldn’t raise a child. Marriage, motherhood and the field no longer fit into her life. This new May liked her solitude and her small cubicle in Administration.

To properly explain in depth who the hell Melinda May is, beyond Pre-Bahrain and Post-Bahrain, one should look at who she has surrounded herself with. Each and every person that she allows into her life is a window into the person that she was, is and has the potential to be again.

First we have Phil Coulson. Phil Coulson is a window into the deep and long lasting friendships that she is capable of forming. Friendships that run so deep that she would do whatever is necessary to protect them. SHIELD was built on the idea of protection and May takes it so much farther. Yes, she is willing to go farther for Phil Coulson than any other but she has also known him the longest. She has also been in love with him for quite some time. Melinda suffered through losing him once and if she can prevent that from happening a second time she will. By any means necessary. Once Melinda May lets you in you have a protector for life. Unless of course you betray her. Then she will become your worst nightmare.

Next we have Grant Ward. Grant Ward represents the part of Melinda that knows the benefits of a distraction. Distractions are beneficial when one does not want to acknowledge or work through their demons. Ward is also a window into the Melinda that is finally at a point where she’ll allow physical contact back in. For so long she had avoided it along with building any new relationships. But with Ward she found her kindred spirit in that he too had been through something traumatic. They could both use the other and it wouldn't be an issue. Her willingness to even use him was a sign that she was perhaps willing to come out of her shell.

Tripp, Hunter, Bobbi and Mack all represent the Melinda that holds people at a distance. The Melinda that does not trust anyone. Especially following the fall of SHIELD. To truly get to know her you have to prove your loyalty and earn her trust. And once you’ve done that well you have someone who will do anything to protect you.

Next we have FitzSimmons. FitzSimmons is a window into the young, inexperienced but enthusiastic SHIELD agent that she was once upon a time. The Melinda that was excited for every mission. A Melinda that would request an assignment with Phil Coulson. For no other reason than she enjoyed working with him and pushing his buttons. They represent an innocence that was completely destroyed following Bahrain. Because she see's her old self in them she is determined to protect them. To help them maintain that youthful innocence.

Lastly, we have Skye. Oh sweet precious Skye. Skye was once a window into pre-Bahrain May. A May that felt that rules should be broken from time to time. A May that knew how to have fun. Skye is ultimately a representation of the daughter that she could have had. The daughter that she dreamed of raising.

Recently Skye has become a window into the May who is afraid of failing. A May that falls short of the facade that she has let others see. Skye has become a representation of the little girl that she couldn't save. For 7 long years Melinda has struggled with what she was forced to do. Her actions made her a different person entirely. Now May is once again confronted with that same fear. Before her is the girl she see's as a daughter struggling with a power that she can't control. But this time she is filled with determination. Determination to not fail a second time

Skilled Fighter: May is excellent at hand to hand combat. She might even hold more blackbelts than Black Widow herself but good luck accurately determining that. When it comes to a fight most agents go in with their weapon of choice or whatever they are given. But not Melinda May. Melinda will take a gun, knife, even a piece of broken furniture, if she needs one.

Skilled Pilot: In the course of her field training she also took the necessary courses to become a registered pilot. And though SHIELD had their own “fleet” of aircrafts available to them she is pretty much able to fly just about anything. She is also skilled enough that she can creatively outfly aircrafts that are tailing them and/or attempting to lock on to fire on them.

Tai Chi: Her mother, Lian, taught her at a very young age the basics of Tai Chi and she has never forgotten it or stopped. In fact, every morning at 5 am she awakes and spends at minimum an hour doing it. Tai Chi helps her remain focused during a fight and not act rashly, most of the time

Pianist: No one save for her ex husband is aware of the fact that she is a pretty damn good pianist. After Bahrain she couldn’t find it in her to play anymore as it reminded her of the happier times in her life. But she has never forgotten how to play. Someone just needs to coerce her into playing and then you all shall be amazed.

Melinda Qiaolian May was born to Lian and William May on November 20, 1963. Her mother was an intelligence operative; most likely of the CIA or NSA. Her father’s profession remains a mystery. She attended the Operations Division of the SHIELD Academy and became a specialist upon graduation. On one of her first missions with Agent Phil Coulson she was left in the bay for hours before they rescued her.

Sometime after becoming a level three agent she went to Fury and requested an assignment. The assignment was to give Phil Coulson, whose level was “classified”, support should he run into trouble. And confident that she knew Phil rather well she knew that he would run into trouble. Before the mission was complete she was left with no choice but to come to Phil’s rescue. Though she did let him sweat a little before rescuing him. On the car ride home she off-handedly mentioned how she might be done with dating civilian men. Those relationships never seemed to last. A comment that Phil responded by suggesting that they get a drink if her relationship with "civilian #14" went south.

They never did have that drink as her relationship with "civilian #14", the psychologist Dr. Andrew Garner, never went south. Despite her reservations about him she continued to date him and the two eventually eloped. Much to her mother's initial happiness. The two of them were very young at heart and very much in love with the other. Their first apartment together was a disaster - with the heat breaking just as a frigid winter began and a shower that was far too small for two fully grown adults, - but the two of them made it work. She was the one - with Phil backing her up - who recommended him as a potential candidate when SHIELD was looking to hire a psychologist to help powered individuals adapt. They eventually moved into a gorgeous 5 bedroom home where they planned to one day raise their family. The morning that she left for Bahrain they spoke of expanding their family and taking a vacation together. As most couples do. But they would never expand their family or take that very special vacation.

Bahrain was intended to be like other "welcome wagon" missions. Phil and his team would go in, assess the gifted individual, talk them into returning with them, and come home. And after every mission, Melinda, always returned home. Very rarely did she and Phil fail at these missions. But this time their luck ran out. Their friendly "welcome wagon" approach went south rather quickly and their team leader was forced to send their specialists inside. May had been sat outside with Coulson listening in on the comms hoping for a positive outcome. They had to save the little girl and stop the gifted individual from hurting anyone else. One man had already died. No more lives needed to be lost. Then all hell broke loose before there was complete radio silence.

May had been raised in an environment where following rules and orders was expected. If you broke the rules you had best not get caught. Perhaps that is one reason why she was able to become such a great prankster without getting caught. When it came down to something as serious as a mission May, however, followed orders. Never taking them at anything but face value. But when Fury ordered them to wait for backup - despite Bahraini militia enroute to their position - orders and rules instantaneously became irrelevant. If they waited any longer that little girl could die; if she hadn't already. With Coulson's go ahead, may, left their van and proceeded to find an entrance into the Warehouse.

Knowing that what she was about to do was dangerous - and though she was more than prepared to do what was necessary - she called Andrew. Melinda needed to hear his voice and his reassurance that he understood the position that she was in. She had to go in and rescue that little girl along with everyone else trapped inside. And that was what she was going to do. Because the woman behind the agent longed to be a mother. And that part of her could not allow any more time to lapse knowing that an innocent child was in danger.

Once she was inside she began to see that there was more to their gifted, Eva, than they'd previously known. Their tactical team -- which they had believed dead -- was under a form of mind control that she could not break. The only solution was to take the gifted out to save them all. Her fight with Eva went on for quite some time, with them both dealing some painful blows. Eva, more so, than Melinda. But May gained the upper hand and impaled Eva with a broken floor lamp.
It wasn’t until the little girl came out from her hiding place that May realized the reality of it all. Eva had never been the gifted individual. The little girl had. Melinda tried reasoning with her. Explaining how she could help. That she would be all right if only she put her hands down. With each word, May, slid backwards, until her hand reached the gun Eva had dropped. As her fingers slowly slid the gun around she knew what needed to be done. Many would not understand her choice but there was no alternative.
So, Melinda, picked up the gun firing a deadly shot at the little girl. Before her body could even hit the ground Melinda caught her. And proceeded to hold her. Her eyes stared off into the distance. Later, after breaking down in Coulson’s arms, Melinda made a decision. She could no longer live her life the way that she had before Bahrain. The Melinda that had entered Bahrain was not the one that had left it by missions end.

Not long after returning home she put in for a transfer to Administration. Leaving SHIELD was not an option available to her. But sitting at a desk stapling papers allowed her the solitude that she desperately felt she needed. The day her transfer approval came in was also the very day that she received an award for her efforts in Bahrain. Melinda will forever hate that medal. It was a painful reminder and she was undeserving. Being given a medal for killing a child was a giant slap in the face. But that medal is also something that Melinda holds onto. Because despite Coulson telling her to “let the girl go” she never fully could. The little girl would be with her always. And that medal was her physical reminder.

Melinda and Andrew barely lasted a year after Bahrain. Little by little she continued to shut him out. Much like she did with everyone. Andrew tried. Boy did he try. But Melinda had a fear of physical contact and was continually disgusted with herself. She wasn’t the woman that he had married and Andrew deserved far better. So, Melinda, cut him loose and divorced him. Her mother had been fond of Andrew and though Lian has never admitted it, Melinda, is almost certain her mother still hates her for divorcing him.

After the Battle for New York, Melinda, was even less of the person that she was before. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when Director Fury showed up at her home after a long day. But learning that Phil Coulson had been killed by Loki had not been it. Melinda said nothing in the minutes that followed. Showed no emotion. It was as if it was just a normal day. Deep inside, however, what remained of her heart was crumbling. Phil Coulson was always going to be her dearest friend. The only man - had she not married Andrew - that she could have ever seen herself marrying. Even if she had kept their friendship going from afar after Bahrain. But now he was gone. In the days that followed Melinda focused on her work and Tai Chi. When Natasha or Clint were in town they often sparred but for the most part her life was as it had been for the last five years. Alone.

In administration is where she remains until Coulson stops by her cubicle and presents her with an offer. Prior to Coulson coming to recruit her to join his team, Nick Fury, approached her with a mission. Which softened the blow that her dearest friend was in fact alive. Fury's mission was to accept Phil's offer to join his team when he eventually approached her. Because Fury knew them both well enough to know that Phil would ask her. Fury needed her to watch over Phil and ultimately take him out if he began to deteriorate. From the moment that Fury had asked her there had never been a question of her declining the mission asked of her. She didn't need to know the reasons why. Phil Coulson was alive and she was the only one that knew him better than he knew himself. It was time to go back into the field. Before Coulson approached her she gave Fury the parameters for the team. Each member would have a specific purpose should Coulson begin to deteriorate rapidly.

May led Coulson to believe that she was joining his team to simply be the pilot. But nothing is ever that simple with SHIELD. Their first mission involved finding a newly discovered unregistered gifted by using a "consultant" that they had kidnapped. She was going to help them find Mike Peterson and if all went according to plan they'd get to Mike before anyone else. And before the Extremist running through his veins caused him to explode. Mike, however, still perceived SHIELD as a threat and "rescued" Skye from them; knocking May out in the process. When she came to she was less than thrilled. It wasn't long after that she was forced to take a man down. The first sign of combat since she had returned to the field.

May wouldn't see true combat until their very next mission. They were tasked with processing an 084 in Peru and they later came under fire from the rebels in the area. To say May was annoyed would be an understatement. But when Fury had approached her with her "secondary mission" deep down she knew it may happen somewhere down the line. So, May, ignored Coulson and allowed him to prattle on until he left. Allowing her the complete solitude that she was able to find in the cockpit. Not long after they entered restricted airspace - on their way to the Slingshot - were they all forced to work together as a team. Up until then they hadn't been getting along and if it wasn't resolved soon lives could be lost.

As a unit they came up with a plan, a ridiculous plan that involved blowing a hole in the side of the bus, but a plan to retake control of their home from Reyes and her men. While the team worked to do just that May made her way to the cockpit. No one flew her plane without her permission. And she was pissed they had knocked her out and tied her up. After regaining control of the plane and guiding them to land at the Slingshot, May, watched as the 084 they had recovered was launched on a trajectory towards the sun. Tesseract technology was too dangerous for anyone to have so destroying it was the right solution.

Because of her position as a specialist - though she hadn't officially been one since Bahrain - May was annoyed that she was kept off the strike team that went in after Doctor Franklin Hall. She had expected to be included but instead had been relegated to work in the background. When the mission was concluded and everyone was back on the bus, May, approached Coulson and officially declared that she wasn't going to just be "the pilot" anymore. She couldn't very well carry out Fury's orders to watch Coulson's back if she was to remain on the plane during ops like this. Coulson wasn't a specialist. He was a field agent. And the training for the two were entirely different. Specialists were intended to be the ones to get the field agents out of harm's way and/or take out the enemy force if necessary. Her return to combat duty was put to the test immediately.

Though Coulson had warned her off, May, disobeyed his orders and went and apprehended his former protege. May remained skeptical about Akela Amador because as far as SHIELD was concerned she was dead. And yet here she now was very much alive and working against them. Her opinion changed when it was revealed she was being controlled. The last words Akela spoke to May haunted her thoughts for weeks to come. May hadn't truly seen anything to be concerned about in Coulson's behaviour but his former protege could tell something had been done. Those words made her wonder just how many agents that had known Coulson before had seen something had changed since his return.

May was forced to inject Chan Ho Yin, a registered gifted, with an overdose of the serum that they had first encountered with Mike Peterson while on a rescue mission in Hong Kong. The plan had been to rescue him but when he turned against them she was left with no other choice. Sometimes you had to make that difficult choice that some might not understand. She assured Coulson that the reason he felt different since the Battle of New York was that he was different. No one could go through what he had and come out unchanged.

When Simmons "accidentally shot" Jasper Sitwell, May, took care of the problem. And later when Fitz and Ward were in need of an extraction she flew the bus in and rescued them before they could be captured. To the shock of all, May, was able to hold and fight with all three pieces of the berserker staff whilst on a mission in Ireland. When questioned she revealed that she was able to hold all three because the pain it brought up was pain she saw everyday. Not a day went by where she didn't see the events of Bahrain and what she was forced to do. That evening, May, invited Grant Ward into her hotel room for a nightcap and an evening of forgetting.

When they were called in to be the "welcome wagon," May prepared herself for anything. She had seen this go south before. Shooting the "gifted girl" earned her the anger of Skye. But she had done so for the greater good of everyone who had been standing outside the house. The situation could have easily gotten more out of hand than it already was had she not intervened. No one else needed to get hurt. Later she was instrumental in convincing the true man behind everything to "let her go." She used the very same words that Coulson had used in Bahrain and it seemed to work. Tobias moved on and Hannah Hutchins was free from her tormentor.

Though she was still wary of Mike Peterson she worked with him when they went to infiltrate a Centipede base. Later when Coulson was taken in exchange for Mike's son, and Mike seemingly had perished in the following explosion, May worked with her team tirelessly to find where Coulson was. When Victoria Hand asked her whether or not Skye should remain on board, May, suggested that she was of no use. Which was true. Their bus was now full of Shield agents who would be watching their moves far too closely. In order for Skye's skills to be used to their fullest she needed to be out of the system. Later she hid her amusement over Skye dressing exactly like her. But deep down it touched something inside of her heart. The very parts of her heart that she had spent years burying.

May accompanied Coulson to Mexico City on their mission to discover what they could about the redacted file on Skye’s parents. There they find the only living Shield agent that could shed some light on the mystery behind what went down in the village. They learn that the agents had been sent to the village to investigate an 084 but when they arrived all they found was a baby and death surrounding her. Later when they have Quinn in custody and Skye’s life hangs in the balance, May, storms into the interrogation room on the bus and proceeds to take out her anger on him. Skye had managed to become one of the people that she considered family and the possibility of losing her was breaking down the tough wall that May had built up around herself.

Much later after they fought the Asgardian Lorelai, May, used her secret phone line informing Fury that Coulson knew about T.A.H.I.T.I. When Fitz discovered and cut her secret phone line she knew that he needed to be neutralised. She had intended to knock him out and put him in a room so that she could assess their situation more. But it all went wrong. Coulson eventually shot her with the Night Night gun and threw her in with Ward. May knew that Coulson was confused and pissed but she needed to explain why she did what she did. If only he would give her the chance.

Though he allowed her to remain with them after the Hub had been retaken, May, was beginning to realise the cost of what she had done for Fury. She had lost Coulson’s trust and potentially even friendship. When he left her behind at Providence base with Ward and Skye, May, chose to leave. She couldn’t help Coulson if she remained on base like he wanted. Her only option was to leave. And leave she did calling upon the one person - in this new world - that she could trust, her mother.

Her mother helped her locate Maria Hill and with that intel in hand, May, went off to get the answers to her questions. When Maria told her that Fury had said that he’d “buried that information when he buried Coulson,” Melinda knew where she needed to go. Under the cover of darkness and well into the daylight, May, dug up Coulson’s grave and found a flashdrive in his casket. Returning to her car she watched the video and then set out to find her team; but mostly Coulson. She had the answers that he was seeking and it was time that he was given those answers.

After they took down Garrett, arrested Grant Ward, and Coulson was named Director of the “New Shield,” the remaining members of the team set out to the coordinates within Fury’s toolbox. Once there they were reunited with Simmons who informed them that Fitz was alive. He may not be the same Fitz but he was alive and that was enough to quell some of the worry May was feeling.

Over the next couple of months, May, took it upon herself to continue Skye’s Shield training. She would teach her everything that she needed to know to be a good field agent. At the same time she was Deputy Director and helping Coulson rebuild Shield and attain the assets they needed. Whilst also monitoring his alien writing episodes. They’d made a deal after the first one that she would always be there when he had an episode. And that if action needed to be taken she would get him out. Coulson figured that she meant she’d shoot him but May had a plan. And it didn’t involve shooting him. She would not lose him again.

On a mission to retrieve the first 084, Team Bus, had a secondary mission to retrieve one of Shield’s old jets. They may have had Fitz back with them but Simmons had left on an assignment and he wasn’t the old Fitz. There had been too much damage done by a lack of oxygen and it was taking too long for him to reverse engineer the cloaking ability the jets were equipped with. They were working in the shadows -- avoiding the U.S. military that saw them as terrorists -- and Shield could do so much more good if they could just cloak their plane. Their secondary mission was successful and they were able to steal one of the jets but it came at a price. Their primary mission went south and they lost Hartley, Idaho and the Obelisk. New Shield was off to a grand old start.

Though May hates undercover work she and Coulson go undercover to locate a painting that has the same alien carvings as the ones he had been etching for months. As the mission comes to an end, May - having broken free from her captors - is forced to fight a Hydra operative that has “stolen” her face. There isn’t enough time to find out exactly who the operative was and escape the police so May and Coulson escape with the painting.

Later after Coulson’s need to carve ends, they find the alien city, they lose Trip and Skye’s released from quarantine, May, feels she can move on to the next crisis. Little did she know that the next crisis would be the return of Sif and lead to the reveal of Skye’s powers. While most of the team are notably afraid and perceive Skye to be a danger to them, May, understands how she feels. There was once a little girl with powers that were out of her control and she was unable to save her. But history would not repeat itself. May knew that all Skye needed to do was to control her emotions and it would perhaps help her to control her powers.

When Sif and the Kree soldier tried to destroy Skye because she was an “abomination” May stood in their way. She would take them out before they were allowed to harm a member of her family. In the end she didn’t have to fight them because Skye knocked herself out proving that perhaps not all who were changed by the “diviner” were monsters. Perhaps they could learn to control their abilities and live among society as people and not as weapons.

Though Coulson is the one to mention that they may need to call in a consultant to help Skye, the idea had already passed through her mind. And the person involved had as well. It didn’t take long for May to track down where her ex-husband was and convince him that Shield needed his help. She also wasn’t surprised that by telling Skye that the psychologist that she would be evaluated by was her ex-husband caused her protege to be less apprehensive. And when it was all said and done - and Skye was recovering from having unknowingly injured herself as she panicked - May was not surprised that Andrew would rather not be involved with Shield. He stopped consulting long ago and this had been done as a favor to her.

They weren't able to truly rest before another crisis began. May found herself caught between the SHIELD that Coulson was building, the SHIELD that Gonzales was building and the Inhumans being lead by Jaiying. And at the same time Ward had resurfaced. Despite being hurt that Coulson hadn't confided in her about "Theta Protocol" she would always remain loyal to him. He'd never given up on her after Bahrain and she wouldn't abandon him over this. He had his reasons and he would have eventually brought her in. Perhaps the thing that hurt her the most at this time was Skye abandoning them for her birth mother. Though she would never admit it, Skye, had become the daughter she'd never been able to have. And May felt that she had failed.

After dealing with Ward temporarily, Gonzalez and the agents loyal to him and putting an end to what could have been a war with the Inhumans, May, decided to do something for herself. It was time to take that vacation that she'd never gotten a chance to take. The night before she put in for her vacation May and Andrew spoke over a bottle in Coulson's office. They talked briefly about everything they never said before they'd signed the divorce papers. Maybe it had been due to liquid courage or his need to ensure that she was in fact all right but it took very little convincing to get Andrew to take a vacation with her. May didn't know what the future held but she was willing to see if her future still included Andrew.

1. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET? WHY?

Following Fury's orders and not coming clean with Coulson

2. WHO IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU? WHY?

Phil Coulson, because I have known him since we were in the Academy and because I love

3. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL?

I'm the Deputy Director of SHIELD. Nothing surprises me

8. WHAT ARE THE FIVE MOST SIGNIFICANT MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE?

Graduating from the Academy

Marrying Andrew

Bahrain

Returning to active field duty

Saving Coulson's ass over and over again.

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